How to forgive.

 

As I sit here on the park bench, I realize there are few subjects more difficult to tackle in counselling than forgiveness.  The bench itself seems to be no help at all, it feels hard and unyielding – like me when I don’t want to forgive.

 

This is the time of year when we tend to look at what we might change about ourselves and our lives, using the turn of the year to give us a sort of momentum.  We might decide we’re going to eat more healthily, visit our parents more, stop nagging the children/partner, clean the windows more often, go to the gym – not just pay the subscription.  The list of possibilities seems endless.

 

I’m going to suggest a different one: make a resolution to forgive someone.

And I’m not speaking from the moral high ground here – I always have someone who needs forgiving.

 

The most important thing to know about forgiveness is that it lies totally within our own power but it’s difficult to recognize this because when we think of forgiving, all the awfulness of what whoever it was did or said or didn’t say or do, comes to the surface and sticks in our throats.  It feels as if ‘Whoever’ should say something – like ‘Sorry’? – before forgiveness can take place but this is rarely a realistic expectation and if we wait we might have to wait for ever, arms folded, chin in the air and lips set grimly.

 

The trouble is that this sort of physical stance – and that’s just the outside – is not good for our health. We start by tensing the jaw and end up with arthritis.  We start by brooding over the wrongs that have been done to us and end up with cancer.  Our feelings in the matter may not be the whole story but they can contribute.  Then ‘Whoever’ has really ‘won’ if you are thinking about it in battle terms.

But we do have choice.  I have listened to clients who say, ‘I’m fed up being angry: I want to move on’.  They have made what you might call an executive decision.  They are saying to themselves,’ I know what happened.  I know it was wrong but it’s not happening today and today is where and when I am living’.

 

  This brings up another interesting point: we can feel that if we forgive it means we’re saying ‘Whoever’ was not to blame, that what he/she did was okay. It does not mean that at all.  Dwelling on something does not alter it.  If it happened, it happened.  Nothing can change that fact but we can change is our relationship with the facts.

 

Think of it like this: our lives consist of a succession of incidents which we pass through, a bit like passing through a forest, say.  As we go along, twigs get in our hair, mud on our clothes, stones in our shoes.  If we insist on staying with all these things, we are going to get more and more uncomfortable and grumpy and eventually we may become convinced it’s not even our fault we’re carrying whatever it is – the trees dropped twigs on me, the stones jumped into my shoe.  Obviously the stone didn’t jump and obviously you didn’t consciously put it there but you can see it is within your power to take it out.

 

Simplistic comparison?  I don’t know how huge your stone is?  How long it’s been there?  Dare I say it, how used you are to it?  This is true but I do know that you are not the stone and neither are you the twig or the mud.  Okay, let’s say you’ve decided to humour me, give me the benefit of the doubt and consider doing an experiment.  Good.  That shows you have a flexible mind, one that’s capable of deciding to move on.  The strange thing is that actually making that decision makes a huge difference.  It seems that putting yourself in a different mental space gets your mind working in a different way.

 

 To give an example of this: you are lying in bed wanting to stay in the warm.  A cup of tea would be nice but lying in the warm is nicer.  The cup of tea will still be there to be made in half an hour.  Then you remember you have no milk and suddenly it becomes much more important to get up because the cup of tea is no longer possible unless you do something.  You make the decision and then you become active – get up, shower, do hair, brush teeth, dress, go to the corner shop – if you’re lucky enough to have one!   The point is though is that all the actions followed the decision.  It’s as if the mind has a whole army of little helpers only too willing to set things in motion once they’ve had the go ahead from you and you can’t know their potential until you’ve made your decision.  They will have talents you’ve never dreamt of.

 

It is still January and you still have time to make your decision to forgive in the first month of the year and then reap the beneficial consequences for the rest of your life.

 

P.S.   Whether or not you are able to make the decision now, the following words may help you.  I was given them at a Mindfulness retreat last summer.  Say them to yourself, whenever you feel angry, sad, confused, upset.

 

1/  Addressing the person you need to forgive say three times: May you be safe and protected, may you be peaceful, may you be in ease, may you be in kindness.

 

2/  Repeat, addressing yourself: May I etc.

 

3/  Repeat, addressing some person who means a lot to you , present or past, dead or alive: May you etc..

 

4/ Repeat whole process for as long as it takes to feel calm.  This may take some time!

 

Whatever month you read this in, I wish you all the best for the next twelve.

 

Secrets crop up a great deal here at Park counselling and I am reflecting that benches, especially in Glasgow parks must hold a great many of them.  That lady whose little dog is running in and out of the trees, has told the bench and no-one else about the affair she is having with her friend’s husband.  That old man has never told his wife he was abused by his own father.  That young man smoking and looking into the distance has not told his fiancée he is still gambling.  That girl wearing the outsize jumper has told no-one she never eats more than half a slice of toast a day.

 

A park bench may well hold all their secrets until such time as they may decide to come for counselling and benches will hold happy secrets as well as sad ones.  They are just as hard to hold.  We can all probably remember as children, hearing a secret, possibly by overhearing accidentally and being told on no account to tell anyone about the fact that, for instance, Aunt Fiona is having a baby. Looking back we can understand it took a certain energy to keep that secret in and of course even more energy is needed to keep a secret about something that is distressing like sexual abuse, your father not being your father, absent or dead siblings, to name but a few possible issues.

 

With hindsight, keeping secrets like this may seem a very bad idea but if you take the time to imagine yourself in the original situation when you decided to keep the secret or when your parents did, you will perhaps be able to recognize that it was the best idea available to you or them at the time.

 

What starts as a strategy becomes a habit, kept in place by fear.  A lot of the fear connects with the feelings that were part of the original situation.  An abuser may have told you that you would be sent to a ‘Home’ if you disclosed what had been happening to you.  You are now an adult and cannot possibly be sent to a ‘Home’ but the statement sticks in your mind like a punishment sentence.  It is difficult to acknowledge that a lot of the past feelings are inappropriate now.

 

Why not keep the secret whatever it is?  Fine if it is not interfering with your physical, emotional or mental well-being but for many people that is just what it is doing.  Let’s look at some of the pros and cons for a minute.

 

One the positive side: 1/   we can see that keeping a secret is a way of keeping the peace and we can sense, often correctly, that all hell will be let loose if we tell.  Why make everyone angry?

                                    2/   the family remains safe and protected – Gran’s heart, mum’s stress levels, Dad who had a cancer scare last year.  Why make them all sad and confused?

                                     3/   you retain a sense of your own strength, a pride in your ability to cope, to keep everyone else safe.

 

On the negative side:   1/   your own health may be suffering.  Emotionally you may be anxious, depressed, fearful, unutterably sad, angry, lacking in confidence and self-esteem.  Mentally you may be unable to focus well, concentrate, you may be short-tempered, unambitious, disorganized.  Physically  you may have digestive problems, breathing problems, stiffness, pain in joints, headaches, proneness to accidents or infections. 

 

None of these lists is exhaustive.

 

                                     2/   you will be living with a basic sense of distrust.  Because you have not resolved the  issue contained in your secret, it will be hard for you to move on and trust others.

                                     3/   you may find that your secret has an isolating effect on your social life, find that because you can’t mention X, you can’t mention A,B,C,Yor Z either and you are for ever having to leave family gatherings or refuse invitations in the first place.

                                    4/    you may find that your relationships feel inauthentic because you cannot be ‘you’, not telling the truth leading you to pretend feelings you don’t have and smile at people you are angry with.

 

Whether we are looking at the positive or the negative, it would appear that there is a lot of energy bound up in keeping the secret.  A lot of strain and stress and the ever looming possibility of you cracking and the secret getting out.

 

What if we look at the benefits of telling?

1/   We have immediate relief in not having to hold the secret.

2/   We may get support from relatives and friends or organizations.

3/   We may get understanding, get to finish the business, find a way of letting go of the  difficult feelings and even arrive at forgiveness of ourselves and/or others if it seems appropriate.

 

You can choose to tell your secret.

 

You can choose to keep it and find a way to accept your decision so that it does not grate on your heart and mind.  In order to do this, you will need to dis-identify from it so that it does not overwhelm you or make you feel as if you are actually part of it.  Here separation is a strength.

 

To keep the secret and let go of the feelings involves the work of forgiveness.  More of that next time.

Stress and Anxiety are everywhere these days – always have been I expect but maybe not with Capital Letters and so much media emphasis.  Clients certainly bring it with them into our counselling room in Glasgow.

 

Even from the Park Bench, I can sense them, Monster Stress and Giant Anxiety doing their damnedest to wreck the blossom and make the sun go in, taking things to extremes as usual.

 

Can we find ways of living that enable us to feel relaxed and comfortable with ourselves?  One effective technique is to learn to live in the present.  If I said to you, “Now, I’m going to give you a present”, you might imagine flowers, chocolates or a ticket for a show but the ‘present’ I’m talking about is a huge gift which you can use every day till you die, the gift of the ‘present moment’.

 

If we stop to think about it, how much of our Stress and Anxiety relate to the past and the future?  In terms of the past for instance, we blame ourselves for our negative experiences as children and we say, “If only such and such had never happened….”  In terms of the future, we worry that because things turned out badly in 1988, they are going to be bad in 2008.  We say, “If I were to try such and such it wouldn’t work because….”

 

But what about this moment you are living through sitting at your computer just now, the one that just turned into the next one?  How did you cope with it?  Still here?  Did you manage to breathe, keep your balance, feet on the ground?  If you did, you have the key to the present already and just need to become fully conscious of what you are doing. 

 

Whatever happened, take a moment – this one! – and allow yourself to be conscious of your breathing, your immediate surroundings, the softness or hardness of your chair, the floor beneath your feet, the sounds around you, whether they are traffic, birds or children, the stillness of objects – this lamp, that book.  If you do this you will become aware of yourself as an alive being existing in the universe at this moment and importantly, you will be connected to the energy of the universe.

 

If after doing this you feel more relaxed, it will be because you have created a space for yourself in which you can be yourself.  You now know how to make the connection and you will find you can only truly make it in the present.

 

But what you may ask are the benefits of living in the present?  Here is one, though there are an infinite number .(See the book, “The Power of Now”).  One benefit is that it’s the only place from where you can successfully view reality.  If you are here in the now, with a real problem/difficulty, you will get to grips with it better from here.

 

Let’s take a worst scenario but using the present as our vantage point:  Jean’s mother who is seventy-eight, has fallen in the bath and broken her hip – apart from nearly drowning as she went in and out of consciousness over the two hours before someone found her.  In order to visit her in hospital, Jean needs to make different childcare arrangements, arrange to be off work which is complicated because she and her partner run a franchise on a shop.  Also she needs to find the best way of getting to the hospital which is in Ayrshire.  Her mother moved there last month.  And she’s just heard that the car’s in the garage because her partner went into the back of someone on his way home.

 

In this story there are both facts and feelings.  If Jean dwells on the feelings she is likely to become overwhelmed with “What if mother had drowned?” “If only Paul hadn’t damaged the car!” I always get lost if I go on a bus”.

 

But suppose she stays in the present with feet on the ground, stays with ‘what is’? Mother is still alive and actually quite comfortable in the hospital.  Jean can phone her aunt and ask her to take the children.  She could use a hire car, even though she hates driving strange vehicles.  She can ask the girl who works on Saturdays to do some extra shifts in the shop.

 

Even though the answers to these problems may not be as simple as people just saying “Yes, of course”, asking the questions are actions she can take which are well within her control.  If her sister tells her to go to hell, she will have to think of a Plan B but she will have eliminated a possibility and therefore be further on.

 

In other words, the more she stays with what is possible, the nearer she gets to a place of calm.  What is possible is in the present.  If she strays into “What if” that’s when she becomes overwhelmed.  Furthermore, she stays with the reality of the present: her mother did have the accident – there is nothing to be gained by imagining otherwise.

 

Of course, using this technique is not as easy as talking about it but practising makes it easier.  It’s worth experimenting.  (See the book “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”).

 

And we must not forget that your feelings have their place: the shock of hearing what happened to your mother is very real, the fear of not finding solutions, self-pity – why did it have to happen to me? Today?

 

If your feelings become too much, breathe and be aware of your feet on the ground and allow the feelings to flow.  It has been said that no feeling held consciously can be sustained for longer than forty seconds. – It may change into another feeling but it won’t remain the same.  You could test this out!

 

Now I am hearing a cuckoo.  Now it has gone.  On to the next moment….

 

Recommended books:  “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle”.  Hodder Mobius. £7.99p. ISBN 0-340-73350-0 and “TheSeven Habits of Highly Effective People” by Stephen R Covey.  Free Press 1989.  ISBN 0-7432-6951-9

 

 

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