Secrets crop up a great deal here at Park counselling and I am reflecting that benches, especially in Glasgow parks must hold a great many of them.  That lady whose little dog is running in and out of the trees, has told the bench and no-one else about the affair she is having with her friend’s husband.  That old man has never told his wife he was abused by his own father.  That young man smoking and looking into the distance has not told his fiancée he is still gambling.  That girl wearing the outsize jumper has told no-one she never eats more than half a slice of toast a day.

A park bench may well hold all their secrets until such time as they may decide to come for counselling and benches will hold happy secrets as well as sad ones.  They are just as hard to hold.  We can all probably remember as children, hearing a secret, possibly by overhearing accidentally and being told on no account to tell anyone about the fact that, for instance, Aunt Fiona is having a baby. Looking back we can understand it took a certain energy to keep that secret in and of course even more energy is needed to keep a secret about something that is distressing like sexual abuse, your father not being your father, absent or dead siblings, to name but a few possible issues.

With hindsight, keeping secrets like this may seem a very bad idea but if you take the time to imagine yourself in the original situation when you decided to keep the secret or when your parents did, you will perhaps be able to recognize that it was the best idea available to you or them at the time.

What starts as a strategy becomes a habit, kept in place by fear.  A lot of the fear connects with the feelings that were part of the original situation.  An abuser may have told you that you would be sent to a ‘Home’ if you disclosed what had been happening to you.  You are now an adult and cannot possibly be sent to a ‘Home’ but the statement sticks in your mind like a punishment sentence.  It is difficult to acknowledge that a lot of the past feelings are inappropriate now.

Why not keep the secret whatever it is?  Fine if it is not interfering with your physical, emotional or mental well-being but for many people that is just what it is doing.  Let’s look at some of the pros and cons for a minute.

One the positive side: 1/   we can see that keeping a secret is a way of keeping the peace and we can sense, often correctly, that all hell will be let loose if we tell.  Why make everyone angry?

                                    2/   the family remains safe and protected – Gran’s heart, mum’s stress levels, Dad who had a cancer scare last year.  Why make them all sad and confused?

                                     3/   you retain a sense of your own strength, a pride in your ability to cope, to keep everyone else safe.

On the negative side:   1/   your own health may be suffering.  Emotionally you may be anxious, depressed, fearful, unutterably sad, angry, lacking in confidence and self-esteem.  Mentally you may be unable to focus well, concentrate, you may be short-tempered, unambitious, disorganized.  Physically  you may have digestive problems, breathing problems, stiffness, pain in joints, headaches, proneness to accidents or infections. 

None of these lists is exhaustive.

                                     2/   you will be living with a basic sense of distrust.  Because you have not resolved the  issue contained in your secret, it will be hard for you to move on and trust others.

                                     3/   you may find that your secret has an isolating effect on your social life, find that because you can’t mention X, you can’t mention A,B,C,Yor Z either and you are for ever having to leave family gatherings or refuse invitations in the first place.

                                    4/    you may find that your relationships feel inauthentic because you cannot be ‘you’, not telling the truth leading you to pretend feelings you don’t have and smile at people you are angry with.

Whether we are looking at the positive or the negative, it would appear that there is a lot of energy bound up in keeping the secret.  A lot of strain and stress and the ever looming possibility of you cracking and the secret getting out.

What if we look at the benefits of telling?

1/   We have immediate relief in not having to hold the secret.

2/   We may get support from relatives and friends or organizations.

3/   We may get understanding, get to finish the business, find a way of letting go of the  difficult feelings and even arrive at forgiveness of ourselves and/or others if it seems appropriate.

You can choose to tell your secret.

You can choose to keep it and find a way to accept your decision so that it does not grate on your heart and mind.  In order to do this, you will need to dis-identify from it so that it does not overwhelm you or make you feel as if you are actually part of it.  Here separation is a strength.

To keep the secret and let go of the feelings involves the work of forgiveness.  More of that next time.